joy and pain in the moment

to say the last couple of weeks have been huge is just the tip of the iceberg. i kind of don't know where to start. over the last let's say just under a year, i have re-kindled a lost friendship. a friendship that was probably the most profound of my life, so far. never had i ever felt so connected to someone, a peer who was my equal, in every way shape and form, until he was not. he ruined our friendship almost beyond repair. almost. that happened about 6 years ago now. and only now are we able to possibly regain some of what we have lost. we chatted yesterday, it was not the first time since, but it is the beginning. i haven't laughed that hard in years. i have great hope for us. great hope indeed.

the by-product of this, involves another unexpected surprise. although it hasn't happened yet, i will most likely have the oportunity to build a relationship with my god-daughter. she is, like a grown-up now, and will be attending state his fall. i guess we shall see.

speaking of friends...i have another friend that just checked himself into re-hab, last week. hard core lock-down, the whole thing. whoa. huge stuff happening. i never thought those words would come out of my mouth. ever. and i never would have guessed this friend in particular, for sure. i will not hear from him for about 3 months. i'm not worried (well i am of course) but i know this will give him his life back. it will be a happy thanksgiving.

in the meantime, i have made a few new friends. i think it is interesting making new friends. how much do you put out there right away. i love recognizing the way people click, or don't in the beginning. i already know i have made at last one friend that will last through the years.

i'm so lucky to have great friends, and that i make friends easily. when you walk around with love it reaps the greatest rewards. living with an open heart may hurt sometimes, but the rewards and results are worth it and in my opinion, unparalleled.

a few weekends ago, i finally got the opportunity to meet the family of one of my nearest and dearest friends. it was a great moment. i was a little emotional. the results of which probably deserve their own post, so more on this another day.

i have started with a personal trainer. at first it was great, then i am sure she was trying to kill me. jk. so we had a heart to heart and now it is good again. let's hope we stay on the same page. today was a get stuff done around the house day so i skipped the gym this morning. tonight after finishing up, i was settling in for some down time....and decided to get off my butt, and go to the gym...at NINE o'clock at night!! I have never done THAT before. before i would have washed my face and jammied up. now as a result i am wide awake at 11:30. i gotta go to bed...oh well...i am hitting the hay immediately after this post.

this post doesn't even tip the glacier of thoughts and growth that has come as the result. i love when i recognize the growth, when i am fully IN the moment. lately i have been in the moment. there is such joy there. pain to of course, but wow, living spherically...simply amazing.

what comes around goes around

the week of April 25th- May 3 i had an amazing week. first of all i took a week off. whaaa hoo!that does not happen often. it was so lovely. even more lovely were the events that transpired during that week.

i was lucky enough to have the had the chance to catch up with 2 very old friends, thanks to the magic of facebook. back in November i had connected with my friend Steph, i was ecstatic to say the least when i found him. i had been looking for him for a long time. i am pretty sure i burst into tears when i did. a couple of months ago, Steph found out he was going to be here, he emailed me to see if i wanted to get together for coffee or the like. i responded with a resounding YES. Steph came out for the week of April 25- May 1.

in the meantime... another friend from college, Amy found ME on facebook. after 17 years we fell into the same easiness our friendship had always had. we still had a lot in common and this time our love of scrapbooking connected us in person. it just so happened that the scrapbook expo was in San Diego May 1 and 2nd, and Amy had wanted to go to one. so she made plans and came out to play. April 30- May 3rd.

now the extra super cool thing is that Amy and Steph knew each other in collge to. what they did not know was they were both going to be here at the same time. so i planned to have a surprise for Amy. i didn't think i could have kept the secret that Amy was coming out from Steph since he came here first, it would have been harder to surprise him. so i decided to see if Steph wanted to come with me to pick up Amy and surprise her! he was on -board. yay there is nothing like a good plan.

so Steph came out, and we had planned a little bit of time together. we ended up driving up to Idyllwild, on Monday. it was a great drive and we got to catch up a lot. and unfortunately, Steph injured himself the day before that and was unable to practice yoga. it was good news for me because i got to spend a little more time with him. we got to play San Diego tourist, and i love being a tourist in my own city! Wednesday we hung out in Balboa Park, had sushi at the Fish Market, and talked a lot.

Tuesday i got a rare day to myself. i got up early but stayed in my jammies until 11! i got a reflexology massage, and my hair done. then i had my team fitness challenge at the y. it was a good day.

Thursday was the big day. Amy came! the surprise could not have worked better. it was great. Amy was so funny, she hung up the phone on someone she was talking to the minute she saw Steph. it was classic. it was perfect.

after we fetched Amy from the airport we went straight downtown to catch the last harbor tour on Hornblower. we completely missed the narration, i let Steph and Amy get through everything Steph and o got through in the previous days. i had my Steph time, i would get my Amy time. that time was for them. after the tour, we headed to my place to drop off Amy's stuff. we headed out to Filipi's classic San Diego. before getting in the car Amy noticed an open art studio above the parking lot. Pecoff Studios! OMG no way! Grant Pecoff Studio. If you are not familiar...check it out... http://pecoff.com/ i love his work. i first saw it at The Mission a few months back, and fell in love with it straight away. we went up for a visit. it was divine intervention, i am sure. such a thrill. we got to meet Grant and his wife Layne, and the lovely Jessica. we spent some time there (me mostly open jawed) i was in bliss. chatted artist to artist. Amy is a graphic artist, Steph is a fine artist. i am the equivalent of singing in the shower- basically for my eyes only and the occasional gift. : ) that was such a fun surprise for me... after that great encounter, we headed off to Extraordinaire Desserts. yumm.

but alas all good things have to end, and we took Steph back to Carlsbad, and said our sad farewells. hopefully it will not be another 16 years before we meet again.

now onto Amy's visit! Amy and i had a great time catching up on her life filled with kids and craziness. she brought tons of scrapbooks for show and tell. and we stayed up late all nights being girls. it was a slumber party like grade school. ok not exactly like grade school, instead of mid-night refrigerator raids we played with scrapbooking toys. it was still bliss.

again the time had gone to fast and it was time to take Amy to the airport. ugh, i debated not doing that but i am sure Amy's husband would have come knocking if i did not. still it might have bought me a day or two more.

after Amy left i had a few short hours before i had to head up to Orange County for a surprise birthday party. it was a great time. good food and friends. a nice finish to the week. i was needless to say- EXHAUSTED! i had a sore throat every night from talking to much! so much fun so little time.

i met Amy and Steph almost exactly 20 years ago to the day they visited. it was a life-time ago. i have new life now. actually i have had a few "new life's" in between. what goes around does come around. people do get a chance to catch up if they stay open, and pay attention. that is the stuff of life. staying open and paying attention.

another good one

never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

happy (almost) valentine's day

i have been busy making cards! i have 2 birthdays and valentine's day all in the same week. here are 2 of my cards...

yesterday...

i don't even know where to start...last week, last month, last year it is all gone. almost everything about it, is all gone. time heals everything they say and i suppose it is true. although the scars are fresh, i can see they are no longer active wounds. and i am grateful for the recognition.

i have done a lot of counting my blessings lately, and the one thing i keep coming back to is my ability to love, really love. i hold nothing back. i give all heart and soul. i never thought of it as a blessing. now i see it is the biggest blessing. i don't think i got it until just yesterday.

a great friend once told me "what blesses one blesses all" and that has been a mantra of mine.
i realize in order for something to be a gift it has to also be received. someone may have a beautiful voice but if they do not sing and it is not enjoyed it may be a gift, but the best part of it it lost.

i am so lucky that i have a gift and that i am not afraid to give it away. i am grateful that the people i choose to give it also choose to receive it. after all that is the whole point. i am open and trusting and loving. though it may hurt, indeed sometimes it hurts so bad that for a little while, as anyone would, i think never again. then time passes and i realize that is just not me. it is not in me , it goes against the very fiber of my being. i may not take risks in a conventional way. i don't drink, or smoke or do drugs. but i risk my heart every time. i know it will heal, i TRUST it will heal.

this last time, i risked my heart and it nearly killed me and truly a part of me did die. but i didn't, i still have everything i had before and truly more.

thank you to all of my friends who got me through. granted i still have a ways to go. i have been so fortunate to have friends that can open up to me and tell me their heart. good or bad. in all honesty i would not settle for anything less, and i would not do them the disservice. i KNOW everyone knows how much i love them. i have peace in that. i have peace in that.

where was this quote when i needed it

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.-Maureen Dowd

scrapbooking and the dalai lama

i have had a blog in my favorites for some time now...i do not know how it came to me..or why i chose to look at it for more than 5 seconds today...but i did and i have fallen in love with it...
http://www.scrapbookingfromtheinsideout.blogspot.com/
i am an avid scrapbooker...i love it...it is in fact my secret simple pleasure, along with sweet pink champagne and make- up....that being said however i sometimes i feel my life's day to day does not shall we say merit a layout to document...i am not a mom...no babies on the way...no soccer games or ballet recitals to attend...so sometimes it takes a back seat for lack of material worthy of it...vacations, special events, visits from friends, my niece, etc. that is until now.

i have always admired pages of artists that scrapbook simply for the joy of it! whether it is about their love of diet coke, or a fallen leaf it seems not to matter . they turn out beautiful work and they inspire me. well scrapbooking from the inside out is right up my alley. i am all about words and feelings, healing, quotes, healing quotes...i am not sure i will subscribe to her kits just yet, but i have made a new intention and that is to take her word and scrapbook about it. she has many ideas on how to get started, design team samples (we love those) and a myriad of insightful quotes to get your juices flowing...February is COMPASSION...i cannot even tell you how that is so perfect for my life right now. i cannot even tell you how many ties last week i used that word and thought about that word.

you know i love the dalai lama and so i love her (Rachel) first quote for inspiration
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. The Dalai Lama

and i will leave it at that.